Coffee. When Did It Become Such A Pretentious, Wanky Beverage?

Coffee, it’s only a drink!

To all the hipsters out there who have taken to the coffee culture with obvious gusto, one would do well to remember that coffee has been around for quite a while, since the 15th century, actually. 

It was the Sufis of ancient Yemen who discovered that its properties would suppress the appetite and stimulate the brain. They just drank the stuff and enjoyed it; I really don’t think they sat around for hours critiquing its properties.

Coffee evolved into a standard drink that spread across Europe and, over centuries, to the New World. It held no mystique, no magical qualities; it was simply a drink to enjoy in the early morning to begin the day’s toil.

The morning coffee break still exists in offices and factories, to take a break, boil a kettle, spoon in some nondescript brown powder, pour a cup, and enjoy a bit of time to converse with one’s colleagues about what had transpired in their lives the night before.

Not any more!

Now it falls to the office junior to procure the coffee orders and it was no different in our office.

Carly, poor Carly, the general ‘runner’ for the creative department, would be dispatched to fetch the beverage that apparently would rev up their collective creative psyches. Over time, the word "coffee" seemed to be used less and less; cute names were suddenly given to the humble beverage. A few that spring to mind were ‘wakey ‘up juice, Brazilian marching brew, Cuppa Joe, heart starter and a number of other ridiculous monikers used to describe a simple cup of brown liquid.

The coffee emporium to which the hapless Carly would travel was, at one point, a rather run-down establishment that served, along with greasy bacon sandwiches, a perfectly ordinary blend of filtered coffee. Almost overnight, this nondescript café transformed itself into ‘hipster hangout” replete with a bearded, beret-wearing barista who would dispense all manner of coffees from an industrial-strength machine that dominated the counter.

Customers, once they had their orders, would sit at the tables, comparing the merits of the coffee served as if it were a fluid containing magical powers.

Before she set off for the vital supplies, Carly would read out the orders; Shane would like a Flat White with skinny milk, extra hot, Mia wants a Expresso double shot, not too hot, John a cappuccino, double foam medium heat, Dan a flat white single shot, while Debbie insists on a Macchiato with half soy and half skinny milk which, when you think about it equates to a cup of disappointment.

The entire exercise could take up to half an hour of Carly’s productive time, not to mention the staff, waiting like Pavlovian dogs to begin their day’s tasks, bereft of the wake-up juice obviously needed to put in a good day’s work!

 What is it with this beverage that now dominates the day – to – day existence of those who toil away within the confines of the corporate office structure that many of us exist in?

 Let us remember, it’s only coffee for God’s sake!

A few years ago, we saw the introduction of the Nespresso coffee machine, endorsed by probably the most desirable man on the planet, George Clooney. Television commercials showed him sipping from a small vessel of, one would presume, coffee dispensed from the machine, taking a sip, then turning to the camera to tell you that, “this is real coffee. ”  George, you have a villa on Lake Como in Italy, the home of excellent coffee, stop it and stick to making movies, it’s not as if you need the money!

I live in Bali, home of Bali Kopi, a thick brew served black that one has to strain through one's teeth to get to the bottom of the cup … it’s a heady brew.

Here, they pride themselves on their Indonesian coffee, and if you look for it, there are various blends that might suit your taste. Take, for instance, the Lawa coffee, manufactured in the mountains far away from the sea and a blend that has become a ‘ must have’ for coffee junkies far and wide.

Now, to procure this extremely expensive drink, the following process occurs: first, one must acquire a mongoose and place it in a small cage. Once the mongoose has settled into its environment, it will be fed a diet of coffee beans and whatever else Mongooses eat.

Now the good bit! The creature will devour the beans, partially digest them and excrete them into a small tray beneath its cage. The beans are duly collected, sorted, ground into a powder, and filtered into one of the most expensive coffee blends in the world… go figure?

For me, I really do not see the attraction of imbibing a brown liquid procured from beans that have passed through the intestinal tract of an imprisoned mongoose.

 I know there are a lot of coffee drinkers out there that will deride me for being so sacrilegious about their drink of choice, but really, guys, … it's coffee, and when it comes down to it, it’s either black or white, nothing more, nothing less.

Perhaps now I shall have a cup of tea… what should I have? Darjeeling, English breakfast, Earl Grey, Irish Breakfast, chamomile … Oh, stop it!!!!

Paul v Walters is a best -selling author of several novels and an anthology of short stories. Often found coccooned in sloth and procrastination in his house in Bali, he occasionally rises to scribble travel pieces for international travel journals and Vox Pop magazines.