It’s all worthless ....apparently.

I like Canada.

I like the people, the vastness, the mountains and the rivers, but what I like most is the can-do attitude of the people who live there. Perhaps it’s the climate? It’s fucking cold! Cold enough that the national response to a blizzard is to pack away their shorts in December.

If I didn’t have family there, I doubt I’d have taken such an interest over the last few years. Now I’m watching a country go through a metamorphosis, or perhaps a Renaissance is a better analogy. And what kicked it off? A neighbour who started behaving badly. You know the type: mows his lawn at 6 am, shouts at the clouds, and has a fence dispute with someone in every postcode.

In this case, the neighbour is the President of the United States, who this afternoon posted a video of himself hugging a tiger and another of one attacking a man who died. Say no more.

Over the past two years, the warm, symbiotic relationship between Canada and its neighbour began to fray, then splinter, and finally rupture, leaving a gaping wound that may take decades to heal. By then, Canada might have shifted its attention and trade to Europe. 

It started with our man deciding that Canada had been “ripping” America off and that all forty-one million Canadians were freeloaders, gorging on American generosity. Forty-one million people, and not one of them could be bothered to pick up a cheque. Shocking.

Right behind him is Howard Lutnick, the Commerce Secretary, egging him on like the bloke at the pub who holds your jacket and says, “You tell ’em, Mr President.” Democracy has its shortcomings.

At his rallies, the great man has perfected the long pause before the next irrelevant statement. Like this one: “Canada has nothing the United States needs. Nothing, nix, nada.”

Let’s pick that apart.

Oil, electricity, lumber, uranium, potash, nickel, cobalt, aluminium, automobiles, aerospace, beer, and let’s not forget maple syrup. All worthless stuff. So why did America spend hundreds of billions on all that worthless shit last year? Presumably for the pleasure of it. Americans are known for paying through the nose for things they don’t want. Meanwhile, the lights were on, the cars were running, and the pancakes were dry, purely by coincidence.

Speaking of Europe, the European Union invited Canada to become its first associate member because clever Europeans like worthless stuff. Notice that America didn’t get an invite. Then the Nobel Peace Prize went to a lady from South Africa.

The president did not like that, not one bit. He held a press conference, and out came the big tariff pen, threatening “serious” tariffs on Europe for all that worthless stuff it is thinking of buying. Please make it make sense. Then again, don’t. Nobody has managed to yet.

Donald, it’s quite simple. Canada and the EU want to chat about trade, defence, energy, technology, minerals, research and education. You know, the things friendly neighbours discuss round the kitchen table. Instead, you are threatening twenty-seven countries over who Canada is allowed to have lunch with. It’s like getting upset because your neighbour had a barbecue and didn’t invite you, then telling your lawyers to sue the sausages.

All of this leaves a small logical problem. Although logic and Trump have maintained separate residences for decades, they are not even on speaking terms. If Canada has nothing America needs, why the meltdown? Why care where it takes its worthless stuff? You don’t see anyone else losing sleep over who buys their garbage.

Like any neighbourhood dispute, one side eventually backs off, and it’s never the aggressor. Why would Trump want a neighbour with a literate population, functioning courts, and a government that is not only polite but also honours its agreements? It must be exhausting for him. Canada was never the freeloader. It was the kind nation next door, the one that brought casseroles, returned your ladder, and said sorry when he backed into your car.

Canada was always the reliable partner, sending oil south (lots of it!), following every complicated rule, and visiting every year, buying second homes and paying taxes on them. Now they fear being detained and asked by a twenty-something border guard with bad acne to hand over their social media history. Nothing says “welcome to Florida” like a teenager with a badge scrolling through your holiday photos, wondering why you’ve been to Mexico. Pray your cousin’s meme about the president isn’t still up.

This was one of the most stable and successful trading arrangements on the planet until Trump arrived. It worked for a hundred years, which, in fairness, is a long time to go without someone finding a way to wreck it.

You simply don’t talk about annexing a country. You don’t demote its intelligent, polite  Prime Minister to “governor”, which is like handing a Michelin chef an apron and pointing at the fryer. You don’t behave like a mob boss who shakes down the corner shop for protection money, then accuses you of having an affair with some trollop from Europe.

You don’t talk like a thug in a singlet, in an abusive relationship, telling your partner she’s useless and couldn’t survive without you, then accuse her of having an affair with some trollop from Europe. The partner in question is holding down two jobs, paying the mortgage, and quietly packing a bag.

Canada has plenty to offer, and Europe knows it. What Canada needs are reliable customers who don’t bully, annex, insult, and then keep posting about it at three in the morning. Under this logic, he called Canada a parasite when it sells to America and a traitor when it looks for other buyers. A parasite and a traitor. Impressive range. You’d need to be good to pull off both before breakfast.

He’ll keep up this charade until every ally has found new and reliable friends, built supply chains that go nowhere near America, and asks whether “America First” worked out for him. It’s become the kind of “first” where you end up coming dead last.

Let’s face it, Trump knows Canada has value. He believes America is entitled to it, but that entitlement doesn’t extend to vetoing who Canada trades with. He considers it a hostile act when Canada sells its goods to someone else. He doesn’t want allies; he wants the whole buffet and the chocolate fountain, and wants to know why you’re in the queue.

Carney, bless him, remained his diplomatic self, saying that closer ties with Europe would make Canada a better trading partner, and didn’t apologise for seeking out other reliable nations. Canada is already building ports, pipelines and processing capacity to reach markets on the other side of the globe. Contracts, schedules and delivery routes are in place. They’re doing the heavy lifting while the president posts dozes off.

Trump created the incentive for Canada to diversify. Now he wants to punish Canada for responding. It’s like setting fire to your neighbour’s house and then getting cross when he moves. One detects a hint of panic as it dawns on him that Canada has the resources, skills, territory, customers and allies. What he can’t tolerate is that Canada understands its own value and doesn’t need Washington’s permission to use it.

Nothing, nix, nada. Worthless, apparently. Funny how everyone else wants some.