It's Not The Airlines I Despair About, It's My fellow Passengers.
I think I was always destined to be a wanderer by trade.
There is nothing to beat arriving in a strange country, full of new sights, sounds and smells, accompanied by a visual feast of different cultures, architecture and that glorious sense of ‘being away”
It’s a hopeless addiction this travel lark, where it has reached the point that if I haven’t used my passport at least three times a year, I feel I am failing at my craft. The thing about travel, though, is that one has to get from point A to point B, which these days can be a little stressful. The famous advertising line by Cunard during the glorious age of travel read, ” Getting There Is Half The Fun.”
This line was always accompanied by an illustration of a beautifully attired couple standing on the deck of one of Cunard’s ships, gazing out to sea. He, replete with pipe, drapes his arm lightly around her shoulders like a feather boa, as she leans into his manly frame.
They look deliriously happy!
How many of us now long for those days when ‘getting there’ offered the adrenaline rush of setting off for the unknown? In today’s travel market, with its low-cost airlines and package deals to exotic locations, the travelling public has swelled to enormous proportions …in short, it seems the entire world is on the move.
Airports (Changi and the like) have become mini-cities within cities and are more akin to shopping emporiums than to merely a place to catch a plane. Through these massive halls stream millions upon millions of travellers eager to get to their destinations.
Having recently done a mammoth trip through Africa and Asia, I spent an extraordinary amount of time in departure/arrival halls, followed by being suspended in a thin metal tube 35,000 feet above the earth.
All this movement gave me ample opportunities to study the people who were doing the same as I was, in other words, getting from the proverbial point A to B.
A few observations and, should anyone read this diatribe, a few words of adviceif I may.
1) I am not saying one should don one’s finest outfit for a journey, but at least attempt to wear at least some suitable attire. I was amazed at the hordes of men who left me aghast with their attempt at some form of dress code. It was as if they had been working under their car in their driveway, and suddenly looked up and thought. ” Hey, it’s hot, I think I’ll go to Thailand.
Should I shower?
Nah, I’ll have a swim when I get there, then promptly proceed to pack their sandals and head to the airport.”
And so, if you happen to be unlucky, one ends up standing in line with these fellow travellers, clothed in grease-stained singlets and shorts, wearing the obligatory flip-flops, giving off an odour akin to a football team after a long game in the sun.
2) When one’s flight is called, the airlines announce the rows they would like to board first. This should make boarding a little smoother.
Nope!
When the rows are called, each and every passenger will suddenly leap to their collective feet and jostle their way frantically towards the entrance. They all have a manic look in their eyes as if the flight will suddenly depart without them.
3) On board, do try to temper your conversations with the person sitting next to you. I am not that interested in how many drugs you took at the full moon party on Phuket, nor do I wish to hear that the food you ate gave you severe diarrhoea and that you had to use a squat toilet!
4) Perhaps it’s not a great idea to see if you can consume 100 beers in less than 5 hours.
5) Getting off the flight, or deplaning as the airlines like to call it, suddenly turns into a panic situation.
That gentle ‘ping’ when the airline arrives at the gate seems to be a Pavlovian cue for the entire passenger contingent to suddenly leap to their feet and attack the overhead lockers and haul out their oversized cabin baggage.
Now, think about it. The aeroplane’s aisle is approximately 2.5ft wide; there are 300 of you, standing up, pushed from behind, crushing the passenger in front of you. Stiving as a phalanx heading towards the exit is going to gain… well, absolutely nothing.
The well-heeled business and first - class travellers will be allowed off first, as after all, they did pay triple your seat price. Shoving will only cause asphyxiation to the poor old lady three rows ahead of you.
6) Back to dress sense.
Those gentlemen I spoke of earlier, dressed as if they were in the country ready to fix industrial machinery, will inevitably be stopped at immigration for thorough scrutiny. (even though their luggage consists of just a half-filled grimy wallet)
This will, in turn, hold up the entire queue of several thousand arriving passengers who have all disembarked from double-decker 380 jumbo jets.
However, I do so love travel, and even with the crowded terminals, arrival halls, and airline seats designed for anorexics, actually getting there can still be half the fun.
If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have the fodder to write articles like this.
Paul v Walters is the author of several novels and an anthology of short stories. His latest offering, RITUAL, was recently launched at the International Ubud Readers and Writers festival.
